Shavasana

In the last class that I taught, I was focusing on Shavasana... and how death is a part of life. That we need to "embrace the truth that things come to an end, and show up for the ending..." as Rolf Gates says.

This reminded me of the original reason why I took up Yoga: I was going to a number of specialists to help determine whether or not I had Thyroid cancer. What I wanted to do was do all of this in a less dramatic way. I wanted to be the person on my death bed who was joking with the nurses and making everyone laugh and feel better. I didn't want to throw a pity party.

The diagnosis was that the Drs were 99% sure I did not have cancer and I could wait until hell freezes over, almost, to have half of my thyroid removed. And so I have left my thyroid alone. And I have continued to live a life of semi-consciousness, in the sense that I, like most, occasionally forget that we aren't here forever.

And now, again, enough has gone wrong with me physically to remember that we carry everything within us. We can choose the eternal bliss of connecting with the infinite and God. We can choose how we live, and we can choose how we will die.

Supposedly really advanced yogis choose the hour of their departure from their physical bodies. I would love to do this - to serve and love and give and then choose when it is time to go - but I have a few (hundred?) more lives to live to get to this stage of consciousness. What I hope for now is what I hoped for two years ago: to not be a burden when I learn that I'll be leaving this life in this body, soon.

I practice this on my mat by surrendering and not minding discomfort and pain. I practice this off the mat by listening, and seeking for opportunities to help other people. And I pray.

And so, in 2009, I am returning again to the mat to learn how to live into endings. I have no news or intuition of when I'll die, but I am beginning again to work toward that point so that I can leave lovingly, laughing, filling other people if not with light and laughter then at least with peace and sweet memories.

On Brachmacharya - and Split Pants...

So, in my first blog I promised to convey what I talked about in my yoga classes....

Earlier today I was teaching a class where I was really focused on the deep front line of the body - where the neurotransmitter chassis meets the internal organs - as Rolf Gates says. When you open the deep front line, it leads to better digestion and elimination... as well as helps you to develop your communication skills and your sexuality. We were doing plenty of back-bends... and I helped each student, individually, with full bow. Several had never even attempted full bow before, and so they were grabbing my ankles and I was lifting them up...

A few hours later I was taking a break, getting reading for an Ashtanga yoga class with my favorite teacher and good friend, when I noticed.... there was a split in my pants. Specifically, a split in my crotch. Evidently Virgil, my wonderful Pit/Lab mix, had gotten to my pants at some point and chewed out a seam. So, you know, that bit of lint that I thought was on my pants during boat pose facing the mirror wasn't exactly lint....

This is not, exactly, how I want to build up a following of students.

Needless to say, I bailed on the Ashtanga class and ran home to rip off and throw out the pants, yelling at Virgil in the process.

Afterwards I went out to a restaurant to meet a girlfriend. While I was waiting I read about Brachmacharya - and thought what irony! On a night when I am emphasizing healing the front of the body and opening yourself I wear pants that are literally ripped open - surely God does have a sense of humor! :)

I know some yogis who are striving for actually becoming on all levels a TRUE yogi - including the full adherence of Brachmacharya. After my last post, and some people who I admire who have told me how heavy it was, I admit that I'm not there yet, and don't know if I will ever be there in this lifetime.

I enjoy good food, good sex, good wine, and good fun.

At the same time, I've found that I had to give up drinking before the nights before Mysore in order to really feel OK doing dwi pada sirsana. In fact, the first day I was able to do the pose was also after the first night after having no alcohol...

Yah, I know a lot of you have thought I've drunk the yoga cool-aid. Maybe I have.... but all I can share with you is my experience. And the fact that when I stopped indulging, I started opening. And, at the same time, there are wonderful and hysterical things happening... can you imagine doing your first full bow pose and wondering why there is so much lint on your teacher's pants???? :)

Wishing you all blessings during the full moon tomorrow.

Peace out.

Va, or Isvara-pranidhanad va

This is my first blog post... it is meant to be an exploration of my Inner Journey, as well as notes on what I say and yak about during my yoga classes... which is always a reflection of whatever it is I am going through. One of my good friends suggested that I write about what I talk about - and so here is my first go.

Stretching into Janu Sirsasana
Last Saturday helping someone with Janu Sirsasana... a forward fold with one leg extended - I started talking about how much we fight our way into being flexible. And this only creates more tension and stiffens the body - and so the very thing that we want - to reach and extend our bodies and consciousness - we make hard by forcing our way into it. One of my friends is always telling me you can't storm the gates of heaven...

But this constant fighting and working and sweating and struggling seems to be all we know how to do... Or.. or Va, you just stop fighting and surrender yourself to the will of Isvara (God, in my book) and merge your desires to the Divine.

Or

Yah, right! Surrender to the Divine... letting go of all of my ego's needs for acceptance and love, for a decent place in society, of fitting in...

Or

Sure, merging with the Divine does not mean you'll automatically be some sort of freak, no bleeding in the middle of your hands and feet. But in my experience, it has meant breaking away from what is the norm. I'm no longer going after the money and the fame... I've dropped out, essentially, from the career ladder. And with that I've had to contend with all of the marginalization. I'm living now at the edges.... you know, where you write down your own thoughts to argue with the author.

Or

Honestly, as I told my yoga students, we really don't have a choice. There is no Va... We surrender consciously OR because we have to - because at some point, we've had our knees knocked out from underneath us so many times that we start to think that just maybe there is a power or presence out there that might do a better job than we do at guiding our hearts, minds and spirits.

Or

Maybe it is just that after living through a lot - the usual stuff we all go through ~ addictions, lost loves, abusive relationships, etc - you just surrender, because hell! That's all you CAN DO.

Or... Va....

It's a daily commitment and often a struggle to surrender. But, as I tell my fellow yoga students, I try to let go. I pray and meditate. It's work... sure - lots of work to direct myself into this higher power. But how can we receive the blessings with closed fists? And so the work is to relax and become fully alive in this presence.

Yoga, I think, begins to get us there. Working a pose gets us there. Surrendering into a pose gets us there. But it will ALL get us there, like or not... this path Or that path. We can't get off the path toward enlightment. The OR is in how we get there. Like it or not, we're here to grow.