In the last class that I taught, I was focusing on Shavasana... and how death is a part of life. That we need to "embrace the truth that things come to an end, and show up for the ending..." as Rolf Gates says.
This reminded me of the original reason why I took up Yoga: I was going to a number of specialists to help determine whether or not I had Thyroid cancer. What I wanted to do was do all of this in a less dramatic way. I wanted to be the person on my death bed who was joking with the nurses and making everyone laugh and feel better. I didn't want to throw a pity party.
The diagnosis was that the Drs were 99% sure I did not have cancer and I could wait until hell freezes over, almost, to have half of my thyroid removed. And so I have left my thyroid alone. And I have continued to live a life of semi-consciousness, in the sense that I, like most, occasionally forget that we aren't here forever.
And now, again, enough has gone wrong with me physically to remember that we carry everything within us. We can choose the eternal bliss of connecting with the infinite and God. We can choose how we live, and we can choose how we will die.
Supposedly really advanced yogis choose the hour of their departure from their physical bodies. I would love to do this - to serve and love and give and then choose when it is time to go - but I have a few (hundred?) more lives to live to get to this stage of consciousness. What I hope for now is what I hoped for two years ago: to not be a burden when I learn that I'll be leaving this life in this body, soon.
I practice this on my mat by surrendering and not minding discomfort and pain. I practice this off the mat by listening, and seeking for opportunities to help other people. And I pray.
And so, in 2009, I am returning again to the mat to learn how to live into endings. I have no news or intuition of when I'll die, but I am beginning again to work toward that point so that I can leave lovingly, laughing, filling other people if not with light and laughter then at least with peace and sweet memories.
About Me
- Desert Yogini
- I am a yogi living in Phoenix, Arizona. This blog describes the inner journey of yoga - how I am attempting to connect and reconnect to the divine.
2 comments:
Alicia, been away from the shala, so haven't had a chance to catch up with you. Will you get in touch with me at: donuts zen mom (at yahoo or gmail)
Just want to hear how you're doing.
Karen
Really good! Last week a friend and his family were killed in a plane crash in MT. In my 37 years on this planet I have been blessed to hold deaths and births closer than most. I really enjoyed post on Shavasana which is one of my more challenging postures. Thank you.
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